What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 10:47
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So, i spoilt her more .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Is it true that most Indian men are gay and they just hide their feelings?
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do Christians think voting for Trump is any better than voting for Kamala Harris?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But, we were locked up after school.
How do flat earthers explain the Earth being stationary? Is this concept considered impossible?
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What is the irony of life according to you?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
All the time i was locked up.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My life is so biszare .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!